Little Mary's Little Blog

Just a Little

Sometimes I just want to crawl down my little hole and hide. Sometimes I wish I were a bear. I'd like to hibernate. Sometimes I ask myself what right do I have to tell people what I think? As if it were some sort of wisdom. Just who do I think I am? And then I realize it is past my bedtime. Or I skipped lunch. Or I haven't had any water all day. So I go to bed, fill my tummy or slurp a little glass of water. And then I go right back to my old little blabbing self. And aren't you glad?

Today all three are true. So I am especially cranky. And so I must spare you of any cranky little wisdom I might see fit to partake. Who knows what that would look like. Better not even wonder. So, goodnight my little pretties. My grandmother was indeed a vampire and she would always say: Before you devour any of God's little creatures in anger take a nap, eat a cookie and drink a glass of warm milk. Now you know whom I take after.

My Little Friend Phyllis

I have a little friend. Her name is Phyllis. She is not at all little, actually. She is giant in every way. Her feelings, her thoughts, her heart, and sometimes, though not so much anymore, her anger. Phyllis can be a little dark. She likes vampires. She doesn't like talking on the phone. She doesn't like talking, for that matter. Not to people, anyway. Animals she loves. She is sort of like a recluse, I guess. But then, so am I. In a different way.

Phyllis hides from people. Not so much anymore. She's gotten a little better. People hurt her when she was little. Tiny. People she loved very much. People she thought were supposed to love her unconditionally. Her mom left her when she was 10. Her dad lied and her sister betrayed her. So she ran away from home. And she never ever went back. Or talked to any of them again. And then it seemed like every one else she met along the way always managed to disappoint her. She had so much anger inside her my little roses wilted when she walked by.

Phyllis wouldn't eat for days. She didn't sleep. She didn't care how she looked. She was always broke because she always quit her jobs. One day I asked her why she was doing this to herself. She said she was doing it to them. She was punishing all the people that had caused her pain. She wanted them to see what they had done to her. And I asked her: "Even if, in the end, it is hurting you? Don't you want to be happy?" And she took a long pause. Then she said: "Of course I want to be happy. But I guess I'd rather make them hurt..." I don't think she'd ever realized that. Until she said it out loud.

We have to do what's best for ourselves. Always. But we need to be honest with ourselves first. We all have our little idiosyncrasies. I live in a hole on the ground, in the middle of some woods, in the middle of nowhere. I have a fish. I grow roses. I have a car made of crumpled paper. And I talk to all of them. People think I'm weird.

If you have to be alone, be alone. There is nothing wrong with that. You don't have to love anyone but yourself. No matter what "they" say. And it's not that you have to love yourself before others will love you. I don't think that's true. Others will always love you. It just won't matter. If you don't. You'll either not notice it or you'll hate them for doing it. Remember the mirrors. If you want to see a hat in your reflection you gotta put one on.

Our little lives are so complicated... Because we are such complicated little creatures. We are fascinating, don't you think? And we are surely too precious to break ourselves over people who hurt us. Forget them. Until you can forgive them. Be a little selfish. Do it for you and nobody else.

This little post is dedicated to Mimi. The very first person to write me a comment! Lots of love and beans to you, Mimi.

Little World of Mirrors

Nobody, no matter how little or how big they are, can make you feel something you don't already feel about yourself.

So don't blame anybody for making you feel guilty;
Don't blame anybody for making you feel little;
Don't blame anybody for making you feel worthless;
For making you feel fat or for making you feel stupid.

When you point that little finger, walk yourself to a mirror. That's the one that you should blame. No, not the mirror, silly. You! I don't mean to sound preachy. But it is true! Because when we turn that little finger toward ourselves we notice the things that are most probably holding us back. And we have a chance to figure out where they come from and how to get rid of them.

I blamed Baked Bean for making me feel angry and out of control; I blamed Fred for making me feel guilty; I blamed Boiled Egg for making me feel rude. This is going to sound a little weird but it's as if people reflect back at us what we are already feeling. It's as if we are surrounded by mirrors. Everything in our world. Little mirrors. That reflect back to us our thoughts, our feelings, our beliefs, our everything. And that is a great thing! We know ourselves by observing our world.

If we don't like what we "see" we must start with "we". When I turned into a hot air balloon, I got very upset the first time I caught a glimpse of my reflection. But I could not possibly blame the mirror for it. Not even a little.

A Little Explanation

Today I want to talk about washing the little dishes. I mentioned it in the book but I feel I didn't expand on it enough. In case you haven't read my book yet, in it I talk about washing the dishes when washing the dishes. Well, actually, Mr. Olive Tree i
s the one who talks about it. And, actually, it was not his original idea. He learnt it from the book The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh. It means that when you wash the dishes you should ONLY wash the dishes. Focus on washing the dishes. Think about washing the dishes. And nothing else. Sort of like a meditation.

Don't laugh. I dare you to try it. For just five little minutes. It is the HARDEST THING YOU WILL EVER DO. Seriously. I try. Every time. And maybe if I didn't allow the dishes to pile up in my little but roomy sink every time it would be easier but still... Needless to say I don't enjoy washing the dishes one little bit. So I use the time to think about more important things like "how am I going to create blue roses" or "what kind of roses should I give Phyllis for her birthday" or "how am I going to replace Hello Kitty in the hearts of children all over the world?" Because I feel if I miss one second of thinking I might miss my opportunity. Hello Kitty will be thinking while I'm "washing the dishes" and I will fade away in anonymity. I told you I was very competitive.

But here is the deal. We think that these thoughts that we witness our little selves "manufacture", the ones we actually "see" in our little brains, in other words, our CONSCIOUS thoughts, we think they are the cream. The Blue Roses. When really, they ARE NOT. There is a much bigger brain where much greater thoughts reside. It is called the Universe. That's where the answer to my little Hello Kitty conundrum is. That's where the answers to our most important questions are. The thing is, these thoughts that live "out there" in the Universe are strange little creatures. They are not big fans of light and noise. Their footprints are very very faint. Not noticeable among a stampede of elephantine chatter. Like tiny little pebbles, you won't notice if they fall in white river rapids but they'll cause quite a ripple on a calm, still lake. And that's what your brain becomes when you wash the dishes when washing the dishes, a calm, still lake. They may seem elusive and mischievous like little fairies but they are always with us. We just have to get out of their way.

I am practicing. Everyday. I'm getting better. So lookout Hello Kitty, here I come. And when I get there it will be Goodbye Kitty and Hello Mary!