My Little Friend Phyllis

I have a little friend. Her name is Phyllis. She is not at all little, actually. She is giant in every way. Her feelings, her thoughts, her heart, and sometimes, though not so much anymore, her anger. Phyllis can be a little dark. She likes vampires. She doesn't like talking on the phone. She doesn't like talking, for that matter. Not to people, anyway. Animals she loves. She is sort of like a recluse, I guess. But then, so am I. In a different way.

Phyllis hides from people. Not so much anymore. She's gotten a little better. People hurt her when she was little. Tiny. People she loved very much. People she thought were supposed to love her unconditionally. Her mom left her when she was 10. Her dad lied and her sister betrayed her. So she ran away from home. And she never ever went back. Or talked to any of them again. And then it seemed like every one else she met along the way always managed to disappoint her. She had so much anger inside her my little roses wilted when she walked by.

Phyllis wouldn't eat for days. She didn't sleep. She didn't care how she looked. She was always broke because she always quit her jobs. One day I asked her why she was doing this to herself. She said she was doing it to them. She was punishing all the people that had caused her pain. She wanted them to see what they had done to her. And I asked her: "Even if, in the end, it is hurting you? Don't you want to be happy?" And she took a long pause. Then she said: "Of course I want to be happy. But I guess I'd rather make them hurt..." I don't think she'd ever realized that. Until she said it out loud.

We have to do what's best for ourselves. Always. But we need to be honest with ourselves first. We all have our little idiosyncrasies. I live in a hole on the ground, in the middle of some woods, in the middle of nowhere. I have a fish. I grow roses. I have a car made of crumpled paper. And I talk to all of them. People think I'm weird.

If you have to be alone, be alone. There is nothing wrong with that. You don't have to love anyone but yourself. No matter what "they" say. And it's not that you have to love yourself before others will love you. I don't think that's true. Others will always love you. It just won't matter. If you don't. You'll either not notice it or you'll hate them for doing it. Remember the mirrors. If you want to see a hat in your reflection you gotta put one on.

Our little lives are so complicated... Because we are such complicated little creatures. We are fascinating, don't you think? And we are surely too precious to break ourselves over people who hurt us. Forget them. Until you can forgive them. Be a little selfish. Do it for you and nobody else.

This little post is dedicated to Mimi. The very first person to write me a comment! Lots of love and beans to you, Mimi.

Comments

[Mimi]

Thanks! That was just so sweet of you! I liked the post very much and I totally identified with your friend. Fortunatly my mother has always been a loving mum but everybody else that your friend has hurt her, I know exactly what it feels like.