Little Mary's Little Blog

Fred

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Little Mary of the Rose and the Giant Baked Bean is the story of a girl who neglects her baked bean demon and turns into a hot air balloon. This is the saga's third episode.

Blue Roses

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Little Mary of the Rose and the Giant Baked Bean is the story of a girl who neglects her baked bean demon and turns into a hot air balloon. This is the saga's second episode.

"People Are Complicated"

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This is the first episode of the vlog version of my little book, Little Mary of the Rose and the Giant Baked Bean! Yeay!

It's Not All Roses and Beans

So, I'm a little ashamed. Because I've been so neglectful. I have not been watering this little garden of words. I gave myself many little excuses. Like I was too busy. Like I was too tired. Like nobody was going to read it anyway. The truth of the little matter is, I have been afraid.

I talk so much about being patient, and going with the flow, and the wonderfulness of it all. But lately I have not lived up to my little blog. I have been feeling trully yuc and lonely. Angry. Sad. Discouraged. And, yes, I must admit it, though it makes me a little nauseaus, HELPLESS. Ew.

I go to work, I come back to my little hole, I go to sleep, I go to work, I come back to my hole. And while I'm in my hole I just think bad thoughts and in a little effort to distract myself, since I don't have TV, I dig my hole deeper. New rooms, tunnels and secret passages. It has gotten to be quite the labyrinth. I've come very close to getting lost. Very very close. It's almost like I want to. I just keep digging deeper and deeper. The saddest little thing is, though, that I don't let myself get lost for fear of never being able to see the light again. I want to get lost so that someone will find me. Come help me. But I know no one will. So I never get quite deep enough. To get lost.

The little crux of the matter is that, somehow, I feel very very positively that in order for me to see the little light I MUST get totally and completely lost. I have to let go of the ledge. And free fall. Like I did the one time I was a deflated hot air balloon paddling in ocean water for dear life until I got so exhausted I just let go and let myself be dragged to the bottom of the ocean. That time Crazy Sgt. White Wave came to the rescue. I didn't even know her then. I should heed my own little advice, hum? Have faith that I will be okay. That Indiana Jones' invisible bridge will take shape and offer support.

My little guess is that I'm just having trouble with the metaphors. You know? So I was treadding water and I got tired, I let myself sink to the bottom; Indiana had an abyss to cross but no bridge, he took a step into the gap. How do I do that with life? Do I quit my job? Do I stop eating completely? Do I go on a binge of bad little things?

Nothing is moving. There is no black or white. It is all grey, still waters.
Sorry for being so not inspirational. But I still rather be truthful.

Little Cuteness Too Much Substance...?

I never meant for this little post to be so heavy... I feel like it's heavy... Not enough fluffy and sillyness and fun. Do you agree? Nevermind...

It's just that, ever since I started this fluffy little blog my life has gone crazy wild on a little learning spin. Things are happening to little me. To my little brain... Good things. But they don't really make for good little cute quirky posts. Am I growing? Does becoming an adult mean becoming boring and serious? I hope not. I mean, I don't necessarily want to be like Pixie King and Kinky Balloo but I also don't want to become Big Serious Preachy Mary.

I was going to write this little post about not wanting to go to work tomorrow. Because I have to deliver roses to this one client I don't really want to see. She's not evil or anything. I just don't like how I feel around her. I was going to say "how she makes me feel" but nobody makes you feel nothing. It's you. Only you. I felt yuc around Baked Bean. And so I ate him. But I can't eat this lady. She might not give me gas but I don't think she would taste good. And I'm sure it wouldn't fix the problem either.

The thing with Baked Bean was that he brought out something in me which I did not want to deal with. My anything-but-little anger. And so I faced it. I let it all out and I ate him and I farted and I grew. It's done. I guess she's next. I'm a little scared. I'm not sure what it is that I have to face here. Mr. Olive Tree would probably say "Observe". So I will. I will observe. And I will face it. And I will grow. But not too much. I will always be Little Silly Mary of the Rose.

Little Pebbles

no one has the right to be mean to you. no one. sure, people get mad sometimes and they scream. and they say things without thinking. things that hurt us. sometimes a little. sometimes a lot. we are all little humans. sometimes we crack a little. with stress. with worries. with fear.

so we forgive. because we love them. because we want them in our lives. because we understand they just exploded a little. that's okay. but if someone explodes a little too often... you should still love them. and you should still forgive them when they say "i'm sorry". but little apologies are like little jewels. their value increases the fewer of them there are. and when there are too many of them. they become like little pebbles. the little streets of my little town are full of them.

it's okay to walk away from people who give us little pebbles. it's okay to want what's best for you and go and get it. it's okay to know that you deserve better. it's okay to know that you can have better. it's okay to love yourself a whole lot. you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Little Little, the Mad and the Twiddle

Okay. So I am the mad. The little mad. Because I don't like to twiddle. My little thumbs. (And because I write things like this little blog.) But anyway. I am so afraid to miss any little opportunity that I say yes to every little thing and every little one. Because I don't want to be left behind. I don't want someone else to do it and make a fortune of it before me. Yes. I may not look it but I am a fiercely competitive little person. Mostly because I often forget that there is more than enough out there for everyone. Of everything. Except maybe time... No. There is even plenty of time. Time and Space. No straight lines. La la la. I am a little exhausted. What will we do when we finally stop resisting the fact that the Universe is not at all what we have always believed it to be? I am terrified to step onto this invisible bridge. Was my grandmother really a vampire? Is Baked Bean my doppelganger? Who is Beloved Leader, really? Is everything around me reflections of my tiny little self?

I am going to bed now...

A Little Stress Goes A Long Way

Do we believe that "the unsuffered life isn't worth living" ? Does little suffering equal little meaning? If that is absolutely not true then why do we turn little mounds into giant hills and little bubbles into giant storms?

I noticed today that 99% of the crazy chaos and pain in my life is self inflicted. But when it came to making the decision to stop inflicting it I was hesitant. And I actually asked myself what would be the point of living if I stopped stressing out about not finding things? And stopped taking everything personally? And stopped expecting my friends to change? We stress about things because we believe they are important. We take things personally because we believe we are important. We expect our friends to change because we believe they are important. And although if nothing were important we wouldn't hurt, if nothing were important NOTHING WOULD BE IMPORTANT!

But I got a little lost somewhere in this argument with myself. The truth is, we like drama. And we are addicted to suffering. But we like easy suffering. And so we place importance on the things we cannot control. That way we kill two beans with one stone: we get suffering without responsibility. It is hard getting up earlier in order to avoid traffic in order to be on time. It is hard keeping my things tidy so that I always find what I'm looking for. It is hard doing my best and being my best, believing and trusting in myself so that insults and high praises don't sway me. These things are hard, they make us suffer and when we fail we are the only ones to blame...

So here's the cake: Suffering AND growth. We can have it and we can eat it, too.