So, I'm a little ashamed. Because I've been so neglectful. I have not been watering this little garden of words. I gave myself many little excuses. Like I was too busy. Like I was too tired. Like nobody was going to read it anyway. The truth of the little matter is, I have been afraid.
I talk so much about being patient, and going with the flow, and the wonderfulness of it all. But lately I have not lived up to my little blog. I have been feeling trully yuc and lonely. Angry. Sad. Discouraged. And, yes, I must admit it, though it makes me a little nauseaus, HELPLESS. Ew.
I go to work, I come back to my little hole, I go to sleep, I go to work, I come back to my hole. And while I'm in my hole I just think bad thoughts and in a little effort to distract myself, since I don't have TV, I dig my hole deeper. New rooms, tunnels and secret passages. It has gotten to be quite the labyrinth. I've come very close to getting lost. Very very close. It's almost like I want to. I just keep digging deeper and deeper. The saddest little thing is, though, that I don't let myself get lost for fear of never being able to see the light again. I want to get lost so that someone will find me. Come help me. But I know no one will. So I never get quite deep enough. To get lost.
The little crux of the matter is that, somehow, I feel very very positively that in order for me to see the little light I MUST get totally and completely lost. I have to let go of the ledge. And free fall. Like I did the one time I was a deflated hot air balloon paddling in ocean water for dear life until I got so exhausted I just let go and let myself be dragged to the bottom of the ocean. That time Crazy Sgt. White Wave came to the rescue. I didn't even know her then. I should heed my own little advice, hum? Have faith that I will be okay. That Indiana Jones' invisible bridge will take shape and offer support.
My little guess is that I'm just having trouble with the metaphors. You know? So I was treadding water and I got tired, I let myself sink to the bottom; Indiana had an abyss to cross but no bridge, he took a step into the gap. How do I do that with life? Do I quit my job? Do I stop eating completely? Do I go on a binge of bad little things?
Nothing is moving. There is no black or white. It is all grey, still waters.
Sorry for being so not inspirational. But I still rather be truthful.

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