Little Mary's Little Blog

It's Not All Roses and Beans

So, I'm a little ashamed. Because I've been so neglectful. I have not been watering this little garden of words. I gave myself many little excuses. Like I was too busy. Like I was too tired. Like nobody was going to read it anyway. The truth of the little matter is, I have been afraid.

I talk so much about being patient, and going with the flow, and the wonderfulness of it all. But lately I have not lived up to my little blog. I have been feeling trully yuc and lonely. Angry. Sad. Discouraged. And, yes, I must admit it, though it makes me a little nauseaus, HELPLESS. Ew.

I go to work, I come back to my little hole, I go to sleep, I go to work, I come back to my hole. And while I'm in my hole I just think bad thoughts and in a little effort to distract myself, since I don't have TV, I dig my hole deeper. New rooms, tunnels and secret passages. It has gotten to be quite the labyrinth. I've come very close to getting lost. Very very close. It's almost like I want to. I just keep digging deeper and deeper. The saddest little thing is, though, that I don't let myself get lost for fear of never being able to see the light again. I want to get lost so that someone will find me. Come help me. But I know no one will. So I never get quite deep enough. To get lost.

The little crux of the matter is that, somehow, I feel very very positively that in order for me to see the little light I MUST get totally and completely lost. I have to let go of the ledge. And free fall. Like I did the one time I was a deflated hot air balloon paddling in ocean water for dear life until I got so exhausted I just let go and let myself be dragged to the bottom of the ocean. That time Crazy Sgt. White Wave came to the rescue. I didn't even know her then. I should heed my own little advice, hum? Have faith that I will be okay. That Indiana Jones' invisible bridge will take shape and offer support.

My little guess is that I'm just having trouble with the metaphors. You know? So I was treadding water and I got tired, I let myself sink to the bottom; Indiana had an abyss to cross but no bridge, he took a step into the gap. How do I do that with life? Do I quit my job? Do I stop eating completely? Do I go on a binge of bad little things?

Nothing is moving. There is no black or white. It is all grey, still waters.
Sorry for being so not inspirational. But I still rather be truthful.

My Little Brain... My Little Little Brain...

I can already see it. It's maybe happening all over again. The Bean. The Giant Bean. But not. This time I think my loonyness will materialize into one Big Giant Slimy Snail.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? Well, I'm not sure I can explain. Crazy little things happen in my little life. I go through these phases, these grow spurts. And if I resist them I get a present from life. A little teacher. Though they are hardly ever little. Last time it was a Giant Baked Bean. This time, I don't know what it is going to be.

I thought I was going to be able to avoid it but I'm not so sure anymore. I've been sooo good! I even started meditating. For one whole hour everyday. And now, all of a sudden, after the first half hour, my little brain just goes bye bye. It turns off. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. I can get up with ALL the energy in the world and then CAPUT.

I know it is my little brain trying to avoid growth again. And so I try so very hard to stay awake. And the harder I try the harder my little brain fights back. So then I get tired and tired and more tired...

Carl Jung said "what we resist persists". Oy vey. Little conundrum... If I let my little brain fall asleep and avoid growth I might have another Giant Bean coming my little way but if I resist my little brain's resistance I'm going to inevitably pass out of exhaustion. Oh, what to do, where to go?

To sleep. To bed. Says Little Bratty Brain.

Maybe my little brain is a little fool after all. Maybe though it thinks it can hide in dreams, it is wrong. There is no hiding in the world of sleepy dreams! It is the mostness of a wide open space. It is where all the answers and all the questions live. It is where all the world's little souls go. Naked. At some point in their little tumultuous day. No exception. Things happen there without our having one little tiny say. We don't even get to pick who we are going to be.

So, goodnight little brain. I will stop fighting you and let you have your way. There's no one can stop you anyway. You are right. Who needs growth? Go to sleep. Go to sleep... ;)